St. Acceptance
by John Wayne Samples
Subjects:
Acceptance • Hospital • Heart • Pain • Hypocrisy
Synopsis:
A man needing attention struggles to get past the paperwork and hypocrisy of the admitting nurse.
Purpose:
Written for the first service of a new church to help answer the question "Why another church?" Should make people evaluate why they are in a church, and what they expect for, and from, new attendees.
Staging:
Front and center. Nurse at a small table, a chair for Jerry.
Characters:
Jerry Needsome.
Just a regular guy in need of some attention.
Nurse Nice: Just doing her job in the emergency room.
A touch stereotypical/characterized. But not much.
Props:
Stethoscope and other basic medical items. A clipboard with a lot of
papers.
Nurse should be in regular nurses outfit.
Jerry should look pretty bad with lots of crude bandages.
Jerry comes staggering in, stage left to right, his left shoe is missing and he's limping noticeably. His left arm is in a sling and his head is wrapped with a likewise makeshift bandage.
Nurse Nice is going about her administrative duties and doesn't notice him until he speaks...
Jerry
Excuse me,
nurse. I think I need to see a Doctor.
Nurse Shocked at his appearance.
No Kidding!
Good thing you made it to St. Acceptance Hospital
Shifts into her best "commercial" voice, hamming it up...
where "The Best is Still Not Good Enough!"
Jerry
Nurse
Well, of course you can. Probably. Let's just fill out a few forms...
Takes out clipboard with lots of pages.
Jerry
Nurse
Well, of course you are. But we have to do our paperwork. We can't let just
anybody in here now can we?
Jerry
We can't?!?!
Nurse
Nurse Nice. Mary Nice. This is a family owned hospital, you know. There's a
lot of us Nice folk around here.
Jerry
That's really very nice, nurse...
Nurse
That's Nurse Nice, young man.
Jerry
Great. Can we get on with this please?
Nurse
Well, of course we
can. Now
Jerry
Jerry. Jerry Needsome.
Nurse
Needsome. As in, You Need Some Help, right?!
Laughs at her own pun and slaps Jerry on the bad arm.
Jerry
Cringing.Now more than ever!
Nurse
Jerry
I'm afraid I don't have any.
Nurse
No Insurance? Oh, my. This is not good. I don't know if we
can help you with your complaint if you don't have...
Jerry Realizing
trouble, changes tune.
Nurse
Mr. Needsome! Settle
down. We can't accept any rowdy patients in our hospital. Please calm yourself or this
application process is over.
Jerry starts for his foot.
Nurse continues.
...And I hope you don't say that something's wrong with your feet or legs because we just don't take people with feet and leg problems.
Jerry
Stunned.You don't?
Nurse
Notices the bare foot and Jerry still in half-reach for the foot.
Uh-oh. That's not a foot problem is it?
Jerry
Nurse
Then what happened? Did you lose a shoe?
Jerry
What? Uh. Well, you see. I'm from West Virginia [or Kentucky or Ohio or
any town or community at which you want to poke a little fun], and uh, actually I just
FOUND a shoe. Only one. I can take it off if you want.
Nurse Suspicious but accepting.
Well,
if you're sure your foot's ok...
Jerry
Nurse
All right. I do have to be careful. Some people think they
can just walk in to any hospital just because they're sick. I was talking to a nurse over
at the Arm hospital and...
Jerry
Excuse me, did you say the ARM hospital?
Nurse
Well, of course I did. That's where people with bad arms
should...
Looking at his sling...
Say, you don't have a bad arm do you?
Jerry
Removes arm from sling and blows his nose into it.
No... This is for a sinus problem.
Nurse
problems.
Jerry
You do?
Nurse
Sure. Sinus problems are wonderful. Makes people feel real bad on the
inside but doesn't get too messy on the outside.
(touching his sling with a pencil) Usually.
Now, do you have any other problems?
Jerry
Reaching for his head...Well,
Nurse
Jerry Giving
in...
Of course. I was training for the marathon before I came
in here...
Nurse
Great. Then you're almost set. Anything else before we accept you as a St. Acceptance patient?
Jerry
There is one other problem.
Nurse
Well, of course there is.
Takes out a comb.
But here, you can use this comb and you'll be looking fine in no time.
Jerry
Nurse
Your heart?! What's
wrong with your heart? It certainly looks ok
Jerry
I'm not sure. It just seems to feel... empty inside. If I could just get
into St. Acceptance, I'm sure someone here could help me.
Nurse
Mr. Needsome. When you came in here, you were a mess. I worked with you and
now you're looking pretty normal. You were so close, but you have to understand, we
just don't do hearts.
Closes her clipboard and walks away stage right as Jerry just watches.
The End