Gary   Well, that is mercifully the end of round one and the end of Mr. Sullen's amazingly insightful questions. Perhaps we'll begin to learn a little bit about OK Christian's worship habits and music, when we return.

During the break, our studio audience will be treated to selections from the To Tell The Truth band.

We'll be back right after this message.

Gary   Welcome back. While you were gone we've been enjoying some examples of contemporary rock gospel. Now, if everyone can still hear, we'll continue the questioning with Kitten Carlisle.

Kitten   Thank you, Gary. OK #1, did you enjoy that, er, music, we just heard?

OK   Yeah, that was fairly good stuff, for slow dancing.

Kitten   You think it could have been a little faster, do you?

OK   Sure. And louder. But it wasn't bad.

Kitten   And how about you #3? Did you like that?

Okee   I caint rightfully say I did, ma'am. But, it did kinda make my foot move though. I hope I didn't offend nobody.

Kitten   Why would that have offended anyone?

Okee   Well, my preacher used to say that when yore listenin' to music, it's OK to move yore foot up and down to the beat, but that iffin ya bounce yore foot side to side, like this, then that's dancin and yore in danger of hell fire...

Oh, my! Did I just dance AND swear on TV? Ooooo, I hope granny ain't watchin.

Kitten   I wouldn't worry. I don't think anyone has watched this show since 1972.
    Now, contestant #2. What kind of music do you listen to?

Okay   Well, I like a wide range of performers. I listen to a lot of old Beatles, Whitney Houston, even a little Randy Travis is good when...

Kitten   Shocked.
   You listen to songs like that when you're worshiping!?

Okay   Embarrassed.
OH! I thought you meant generally.

For my worship time I really like Amy Grany. There's also a lot of chorus-type music that I like to sing or hum during my quiet times. And anybody singing "How Great Thou Art" is great with me.

Kitten    Hummm.    #1...

OK   Yes, captain?

Kitten   Beg your pardon?

OK   I said, "yes Captain?" You know, like, Picard. You called me #1 and that makes me feel like Will Riker, so I called you Captain Picard. Like on Star Trek, get it?

Kitten   Restrained.
   Well then, Mr. Riker...

OK   Kool!

Kitten   Unrestrained.
HOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO THAT ROCK 'N ROLL TRASH AND CALL YOURSELF A CHRISTIAN?!

Gary   Glad to interrupt.
   Well, it's time for another break. Once again, while you folks at home are watching commercials, we'll be enjoying some of the types of music that the real OK Christian just might listen and worship to.

Gary   Well, wasn't that delightful.
    Our panelists tonight are trying to determine who the real OK Christian is. Let's continue our questioning with the lovely Orson HasBean.

Orson   Thank you, Gary. If they had played "Dixie" I was outa here.

OK #3. What can you tell me about those songs we just heard?

Okee   They was very nice. Made me feel right religious.

Orson   Did it make you want to baptize somebody?

Okee   Well, no sir. I ALWAYS want to baptize somebody.

Orson   Ah, hah! She's a southern baptist all right!

   It is basically a cross-cultural combination of syncopating rhythms blended with dialectical spirituals emanating from the roots of the rock tree contrasted by the essence of tribal south-central African attenuations with the fibrous but alocatious systematic swirling of the far northwest Detroitment as accentuated by Liverpoolian development of combos of hair, desire and longing to know oneself.

Orson   To Gary.
   Do I have any time left?

   I have no idea what you just said.

OK   That's all right, neither do I.

Orson   So how about a straight answer that might help us understand where you're coming from?

OK   I can do that. I know my music comes from my heart. I know that when I think about God, sometimes I think a little louder and a little faster than my parents do. Sometimes it comes out as rock 'n roll.

Orson   But don't you have trouble dealing with the reputation that goes with rock 'n roll. I mean, a lot of people think that that style of music is of the devil and belongs in bars and other places where Christians don't belong. Aren't you being sacrilegious by singing rock 'n roll to God.

OK   I guess you'll have to ask God that question, but I don't think so. And as for things that belong in bars, if you really believe that, perhaps you should rip out a bunch of the songs in your church song-book, beginning with "Faith of Our Fathers."

Orson   What's that have to do with anything?

OK   That song and a bunch of others written by Martin Luther and some of his peers, were barroom songs that they just changed the words to. I just don't see a lot of difference between that and what I do.

Orson   Another giveaway! Me thinks he protesteth too loudly.

GarY   Speaking of too loudly, I wish somebody would turn that thing down.

One more break and we'll be back for our final round of questions, right after these messages.

Gary   Welcome back to To Tell The Truth. Our last round of questions will come from Peggy Crass.

Peggy   Thank you, Gary. Contestant #2. Doesn't the kind of music we heard there during the break lift your spirits and make for a worshipful ...

Okay   Oh, yes! That was wonderful. I could listen to music like that all day.

Peggy   And how about you #3?

Okee   I reckon it was OK. But it would've been better with some harmony.

Peggy   #2. Do you know anything about where your type of music comes from?

Okay   Well, I don't think I've ever really thought about it. I remember when I was a girl hearing songs like "Spirit in the Sky" and listening to Judy Collins singing "Amazing Grace" on the radio. Both of those songs were Top 40 on the charts, but we sang them in church camp, too.

Then we started singing "They'll Know We are Christians By Our Love" and "It Only Takes a Spark to get a fire going."

And don't forget Elvis singing "How Great Thou Art."

Peggy   Thank you.    #3. Do you really think a person can listen to that Cryin, Dyin and Leavin country music then switch gears and let songs that sound a lot like that stuff carry your praises to God?

Okee   That sure enough sounds like a hard thing to do, don't it?

Peggy   Then how can you claim to be a Christian and think you're worshipping with music that was copied from country music.

Okee   I guess I always thought it was the other way around.    My grandmother used to tell all us yunguns about growin up back in the hills. She used to teach us songs like, "I'll Fly Away," "Will the Circle Be Unbroken?" and "Amazing Grace." Daddy would get out his guitar and we'd sing for hours. I guess I never saw nothin wrong with that.

This Cryin Dyin & Leavin stuff is what's doin the copyin. My granny was singin about J-E-S-U-S long before Tammy was singin about D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Peggy   #2. Let's try this approach. Let's say I want to get saved, or born again. All 3 of you people seem sincere in talking about how you worship the Lord, so what would you tell me I would have to do to be saved?

Gary   Getting a little evangelical there aren't we, Peggy?

OK panelists, you've heard the questions and the answers. Now it's time to mark your ballots. Who do you think the real OK Christian is? Is it #1, #2 or #3? Remember, our contestants get $100 for each wrong vote and if they completely stump the panel they get to split $500.

Bill Sullen, let's begin with you.

Bill   I'm not sure any of them are Christian. I mean, you can rule out #1 and #3 right away because everybody knows there is no rock 'n roll or country music in Heaven, but #2 listens to the Beatles in her spare time. What is this? Is it like smoking? Does she sneak in the bathroom with her transistor and take in a little "Hey Jude" and hope the kids can't hear it? Give me a break!

But I've got to vote for someone, so #2 is the closest thing to a Christian over there.

Gary   Kitten Carlisle. Who do you think is the real OK Christian?

Kitten   I think Bill is way off base.

#3's story about her grand ma ma is just too sweet to be made up. Besides, I just love her accent.

Gary   Orson HasBean. Who will it be?

Orson   #1 reminded me too much of Steven Sterling back in Junior High School history class, and HE certainly wasn't a Christian.

#2 acts too much like a ringer who really did her homework, so I have to vote for the number that reminded me of the trinity.

Gary   All right. That's two votes for #3, one vote for #2. Peggy, who do you think the real Christian is?

Peggy   Only one of them gave me a really direct answer, so I voted for #1.

Gary   Okay...

All contestants together.    Yes...

Gary   Now cut that out!     All right. Will the real, OK Christian, please stand up...

The End.